Dumbfounded (जनहित में जारी)

About the title - Adai bridge is a bridge behind my house in Panvel...

Few days ago my sister asked me, "if you could go back in time with this age where would it be?" and I exactly knew where I wanted to be......

I was the first one in our family to travel abroad and that too second time (that's me boasting about my foreign visits). This was the longest I'd been gone. London.. London Dreamz, London Thumakda.. all that. 

What started of as a joke turned out to be very very serious. January 2015, me, my sister were looking for Harvard, Oxford, Stanford kind off university just for fun as if we could afford it. But things really took a turn. I actually flew on 5th September, 2015. Still feels like a dream.

There were many reason I wanted to go. Can't even say out loud a few of them. 

My agent, like all of them, built a castle for me in the air that was smashed in pieces by January, 2016. I can't blame him completely. He was doing his job and I literally flew to London thinking "ab toh mujhe koee rok nahi sakta". "Now I will be the bread earner of my house", "mera status quo will be high.." "DUDE❗ Listen I LIVE IN LONDON" kind of attitude.. In a few months caught the British accent too.. 🙍 and in no time it was all shattered.

Well academic wise I was doing pretty well (I had promised someone). Also I had taken a student loan that was due for next 18 years. I had to freaking be a good student to get a job. I caught the attention of the DEAN and Head of Programmes too.. We became good friends. I took part in every extra curricular activity. I felt like a horse whose direction was fixed and I was one full focused horse. I was in no time a STUDENT AMBASSADOR (This was all my fielding for fixing myself in the UK).. Every time they said I was representing India, Sare Jahan se accha would play in my background.  

I got a few survival jobs. I hopped from one job to another. Until CHOZEN NOODLES happened. It was 7.50 pounds per hour. This shop was in a very elite exhibition center where COMICON etc are held. There have been times that I have worked for 15 hour straight. It takes you a little while to gain your employees trust in UK especially when your skin colors don't match. So after a few months CHOZEN NOODLES started a CHOZEN SUSHI and guess what I along with another female were responsible to run this shop from opening, to cooking, to stocking, selling and closing. I loved it.

I remember the manager on my last day said... OHH! Priyanka don't go, what will we do without you? and I had to punch her with my Indian sarcasm PAY FOR MY VISA & I'll work here forever😁. Still not so sure if she understood it was a joke.

Towards the end of 2016 I had already lost myself and my hopes. I topped my university and I thought I'd get a placement. I had applied for more than 2 dozen jobs because I genuinely wanted a job, stay in London for a while to initiate a debt free life for me and my family. I tried really hard. I stretched myself to an extent that the person who came back though seemed happy was already ripped off. But somehow managed to live and survive in UK because of my amazing family (Aarti, Jacob, Ankit, Kapil, Sanjeda, Lina, Imroz) and many more. Me, Aarti, Jacob, Kapil & Ankit we lived together. It was our little F.R.I.E.N.D.S saga. SPLENDID TIME.

But I would constantly think of the failure coming my way. Something that I didn't manifest had happened. Because I knew I was capable, I knew I have worked hard. I always tried upgrading myself and my profile. Every employer who I met in person was impressed. BUT jab jab visa ki baat nikli they sneaked out. 

Its actually right, isn't it? When you know that the candidate has a student visa that'll expire soon, would you hire them? 

I was so desperate to get a job that I ended up making deals with them.. TUM MUJHE JOB DO, MAIN NAYA VISA LAUNGI.. ( the original statement was also for the British right?)

I was very disappointed. The people I thought would understand did not understand. Many tell me you shouldn't have come back. You should have tried more. Aah! right, I didn't try. I didn't want to try (HAPPY)

😞My very dear ones have told me that You just want everything ready made. 😢You don't want to try any harder. You always want your father's reference everywhere💔and compared me to 1000 people. 👤 I let it impact me. I let it slow me down. It was disappointing. It was depressing.

I was already struggling to get a job and could barely make a living and all this. was just adding up to the depths of my despair.

This life was becoming a burden and wanted to get over with it in London itself. There would be days I'd just be in bed. Some day's I'd indulge myself in cooking. I was loosing my zeal, my charm. I had lost hopes. 

The HEAD of Programmes noticed that I am suddenly not the person he met about an year ago. He was upset. Well! So was I. But my friends took care of me (While my family was 1000's of miles away). They were by my side. They literally SAVED ME.. I never thanked them enough.. THANK YOU GUYS💖💖

I was always so worked up with the studies, the jobs, the job hunts I didn't enjoy the way I should have. and I think that's why I miss being in London more. I wanted to live like YEH ZINDAGI NA MILEGI DOBARA. I was too busy focusing on what was missing. (MISTAKE) 

BUT BUT HOLD ON..

Life did happen to me. If my LONDON DREAM wouldn't have shattered how would I know what my passion was? Today I know that I have a purpose.. Today it has gone back on hold (trying with bated breath) but I know I have found it. 

Some failures are not to tell you that your incapable. They actually mean that all this while you didn't really know what you are capable of. I don't earn much. I still am buried deep under liabilities. But you know what I earned. I earned myself. I understood myself. They say that Life Happens When You are Least Expecting. I felt that. What I found was much much above MONEY. Well I have people who will disagree with me. But it's okay.. I have earned my own faith and that keeps me going..

MONEY was giving me a corporate cage & Passion was giving me the entire MAHARASHTRA. I chose the later. I will definitely talk about this journey soon.

Bottom Line: don't let people judge you. Shut them up. They don't know the storms inside you. They don't know why you took those decisions. 

Don't give anyone the power to demean you. Because when you do, you create a pattern for yourself. A VALIDATION SEEKING Pattern. Then you judge yourself and sometimes doubt too and ❌यह स्वास्थ्य के लिए बहुत हानिकारक है. We in India don't pay much attention to mental health. For us Jo dikhta hai wahi dard hai. Mental health issue is a slow poison. It slowly hollows you. You don't deserve to slow down because of what someone else thinks of you, your journey is yours or your struggles are your. VICTORY OR NOT you own it.

Life is too good to be wasted on people who will keep looking for opportunities to knock you down. No matter how dedicated, determined or devoted you are as long as your efforts are invisible to people they will judge you. & If you are one of those who like to work in INCOGNITO MODE, GOD BLESS YOU..

But Hey, कुछ तो लोग कहेंगे, लोगों का काम है केहना।

Do what makes you happy. Take a break and ENjoy!

You are a fighter, 

You are precious just the way you are..

Thank you for Reading

Love

Priyanka